It seems today that all you see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely?
Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry
He's a family guy
We now return to Top Chef: Looney Tunes Edition.
Okay, Chef Fudd, I was a little disappointed in you this week,
Your dish was just a live rabbit who thought he was taking a bath.
But I used carrots and celery,
Yes. I saw he was scrubbing his back with a long celery stalk,
Chef Sylvester, on the other hand,
I'm happy to say your sufferin' succotash was absolutely delicious.
Thanks.
Hello? Oh, hi, Bonnie.
No, I'm not doing anything. Just sitting here with the baby.
Fuck you, too. Oh, hey, Bri.
Hey, you want to go out and get some gluten-free pizza?
I'm gluten-free now.
But, you know, I'm not gonna be annoying about it.
- Too late. - Oh, we should be gluten-free together!
Let's go to Whole Foods and buy a bunch of stuff from that weird aisle
nobody else goes down.
I can't. I got plans. I'll see you later.
Oh, sure. Maybe another time.
I didn't seem too desperate, right? Don't answer.
It's just that Brian's been so distant lately, and we used to be inseparable,
like Jack and Jill.
Well, so then Jack takes these two pails of water and trips,
and totally falls down the hill.
Yeah. Hey, I got a funny story.
Jill had a tooth fall out, and she swallowed it,
and then we had to root through her feces to find it. And we did.
And then we took it to the dentist, and he put it back in her mouth.
So I guess we're both klutzes, huh?
Why don't you spin another tale, crap-tooth? No?
My turn again? Okay. Jill's barren.
Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker,
Some sad news this morning as 38 school children drowned when their...
Excuse me.
When their schoolbus hit a patch of ice and drove off a...
What is wrong with me today?
And drove off a local bridge.
And now the viral video of the week, with over seven million views.
For those of you who loved Screaming Sheep,
we've got Opera Penguin.
Is that it? Is he gonna do it again? No?
Okay, so just normal penguin stuff now,
Okay, cut back to me.
You can't? The button broke off?
All right, well, a U.S. convoy was ambushed in Kabul this morning,
so now we're going to have a moment of silence in remembrance...
He does do it again.
That could be my favorite thing I ever seen.
What is a penguin? Is it some kind of bug?
- What? You serious? - So it is a bug?
Hey, you know, that's what we ought to do.
- We ought to make a viral video. - All right!
- Let's do it! - Awesome!
Oh, wait, I don't know if you're gonna be in it, Joe.
I thought, while we filmed, we'd just keep all of our stuff on your lap.
What the hell are you doing?
I saw a scary boy doing this, and I thought I'd try it.
- All right, have fun. I'm late. - Late?
But I thought you and I could hang out and maybe watch Lois shush Peter
while they watch Nashville.
- Which girl is called Nashville? - Shush, Peter.
Maybe another time, Stewie.
There he goes again. He's being so standoffish.
I don't understand.
Oh, we used to be that happy. Wait a minute.
Joe and Bonnie never used to spend time together until they had Susie.
Having a baby seems to have made them closer.
Babies save relationships!
Oh, look at you. You're flying!
Okay, thanks, Bonnie. Next I want to ride a bike.
That's it, Rupert!
That's how Brian and I are going to improve our relationship.
We're going to have a baby!
I say, this is my best idea since I robbed a Joseph A. Bank.
Three suits for 99 bucks? Take me to jail!
All right. I want tonight to be perfect.
I'm gonna lay it all out for Brian why we should have a baby together.
I don't know. I haven't even thought about that.
Why are you so obsessed with circumcision?
Oh, hey, look. You made a little dinner party.
- Hi, Rupert. - He won't be joining us.
Get up!
Please, sit.
You, uh, okay?
I'm terrific. And that is so sweet of you to ask.
You really are a natural caregiver, aren't you?
Mmm, mmm.
Do you mind not texting?
Sorry, sorry. Just finishing right now. Almost done.
There. All finished, right... Now.
There.
Thanks. So, I wanted to talk to you about...
- Are you just gonna leave it on the table? - I won't look at it.
Great. So, I wanted to...
- You're looking at it. - Sorry. Work.
- It's not work. - It'll just take a second.
I normally wouldn't do this,
but I was already kind of in the middle of something,
and I just need to quickly respond,
and there, I am finished.
Ah, yeah.
Okay, just a few more words... And...
Done. Sorry.
Okay, so...
- Nah, nah, I'm not gonna get it. - Then maybe we can take it off the table.
All right, just keep going.
I was thinking, we should talk about having a...
This isn't fun for me, watching you text.
No, no, this is great. Mmm, mmm. Yum.
But I got to go. I have a date.
This is serious, Rupert. I'm losing him.
If we're going to fix this relationship, we need a baby and we need it now.
I'm just going to take a little bit of his DNA,
and soon we'll be proud parents, like Ron Livingston's parents.
- You know, our son's a famous actor. - Really? What's his name?
Um...
He's, uh...
He was, like, the main guy in Office Space.
Yeah. What else? Uh, he has dark hair.
I don't know, was he in Black Hawk Down?
He was in, like, at least five Sex in the Cities.
What is his name? What is his name?
Is your son Ron Livingston?
- Yes! - Oh, God! Thank God!
Ron Livingston! Thank you! That has been bugging me all day.
Okay, let's see.
Now, what are the ingredients to a viral Internet video?
- Cats. - Yes, cats. Good.
Uh, people reacting to watching gross stuff.
Oh, yeah. 'Cause they're like, "Ugh, that's gross!"
- Can I get a soda? - What?
No. This is, like, the worst time to ask for a soda.
Unbelievable.
You know what, we should just go out and start filming.
'Cause I think we're really gonna surprise everyone.
Like Buster Keaton did in his first talking picture.
Here we go. I'm moving through the scene and I slam the door.
Oh, no! I slammed it too hard, and the house is gonna squash me!
Oh, it turned out that window was there.
Pause for laugh and amazement.
All right, Rupert, the fertilization device is complete.
This will impregnate me with the child that will bring Brian and me back together!
First, I add Brian's hair and saliva,
and some preschool applications, because we are already way behind.
There. Now I just have to get into the machine,
and then the machine does whatever it has to do to me
in order to successfully impregnate me.
We do not judge the machine. We do not judge Stewie.
Good-bye, body.
You're gonna watch me get pregnant. I want to look at you when it happens.
Yeah, you watch me, bitch.
Good morning, Brian.
- What is that? I smell pee. - Yes, you do, Brian.
Oh, my God, that thing's positive!
- Is Lois pregnant again? - No.
- Meg is pregnant? - You're getting warmer.
What... What have you done?
- I think you mean, what have we done? - What?
- Brian, we're pregnant! - Oh, my God!
And in 18 years, he's going to move away!
You're pregnant with our baby? How could this even happen?
Simple. I took your DNA and inserted it into my temporary uterus
through my fertilization device.
Oh, my God, you're serious!
People are gonna think I had sex with a male baby and then got him pregnant!
Oh, thank you for finding a way to make it sound horrible.
- We can't have a baby, Stewie! - Is this about money?
Because I have a bit saved. We could even use my old crib.
- You use your old crib! - Oh, right.
Stewie, you have to get rid of it.
"Get rid of it"? You know, why don't you just say it?
Say the word, Brian. I want to hear you say it.
Abortion! Abortion! You need to get a big fat abortion right this second!
- You can't even say it. - I think I'm gonna throw up.
Oh, save the cheap theatrics. This isn't one of your crappy short stories.
This is real life, mister, so man up!
You are getting an abortion, Stewie.
I will not! Our child is growing inside me!
Stop talking like that! And how do you even know it's mine?
How dare you! So I'm just some slut? Well, this slut is having your baby!
- Why would you even do this? - I thought you'd be happy.
I mean, you have all these amazing qualities,
and I'm kind of good-looking. I mean, I'm no model, but...
Well, certainly not a runway model.
I'd be more catalog, probably.
You know what? Why not a runway model? Why not?
Why am I always apologizing for how good-looking I am?
I'm sick of it. I can model in Paris. We could take the baby with us.
We could be that kind of family. What do you think?
- Is it dead? - You hit me!
What kind of monster hits a pregnant toddler!
If you ever lay a finger on me again, I'll burn you in your bed.
Could you do that now, please?
Okay guys, time to make ourselves a viral Internet video.
All right! Let's do it!
One video I always enjoyed
was the one with that girl pooping in the Jacuzzi.
So, let's all get in Joe's hot tub
while he does the filming and I do the pooping.
Okay.
Okay, here it comes.
Oh, my God! Peter, what's wrong with you?
What do you mean? This is what happens every time.
Peter, it's supposed to be brown!
Brown? Oh, gross, like pee?
All right, Peter, get the camera ready.
I got a viral Internet video that's gonna go straight to the top of the charts.
Hi, I'm Joe Swanson, and this is 30 Impressions In 30 Seconds.
"Show me the money." "Oh, behave." "Good morning, Vietnam."
"Wait until they get a load of me," said the Joker.
Some of these I'm paraphrasing.
Hey, I need you to take me to the doctor for my prenatal vitamins.
I'm not taking you anywhere. Geez, how far along are you?
I'm not really sure. Two days, six months.
There's a certain amount of guesswork involved in this.
And while I'm pregnant, I'm going to need you to change the cat litter.
We don't have a cat.
Please don't fight me on this.
Oh, my back is killing me.
And I've also been experiencing a little...
Morning sickness.
It's for the baby. It's for the baby.
You look ridiculous like that.
Not too ridiculous for you to put a baby in me.
Okay, Raylene, I'm Dr. Hartman.
Now, before we begin, I want you to know the record is just past my watch.
Well, it takes two people to break a record.
You look a little young. How old are you?
Uh, thirteen?
Fourteen?
Fifteen. But he didn't force himself on me. I wanted it, too.
Well, that's the important thing.
That's odd.
Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles.
Oh, right. I, uh, sneezed real hard and all that came out.
Ah, that explains it.
Could you do that thing where you take some fluid
and tell me if it's going to be an imbecile or a cretin?
Oh, not to worry, there are places where those people can be warehoused.
But from strictly eyeballing you, I'd say everything looks fine.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Now, Brian, did you have any questions for the doctor?
Yeah. Are there a lot of stairs in this building?
Stop being such a dick.
Thank you so much, Dr. Hartman.
Now, I understand we just send the bill to President Obama?
Despite the doomsday prognosis of its detractors,
the Affordable Care Act is working.
Which means that Burt Kolavski of North Platte, Nebraska
can get his artificial leg.
Or Raylene Griffin of Quahog, Rhode Island, can now afford her prenatal vitamins.
Can I talk to you about the place you're putting us up?
It's not great.
God, we need so much stuff.
Look at how tiny all these clothes are. It's so adorable.
I mean, what kind of feet can fit into these shoes?
- Your feet! - That's getting old, you know.
You better get on board with this.
- Oh, how far along are you? - Eight months.
You look amazing. Let me ask you, are you leaking?
Because I've been leaking.
- How old are you? - Well, how old are you?
You look like you're 40, which means
whatever you've got in there is 100% brain-damaged.
All right. You have a good day.
I hated that lady.
I like these. These are good. Very classy.
This feels incredibly wrong.
We're going to want these, Brian, believe me.
You can't see my nipples, can you? They're getting really large,
and I'm not sure if I'm completely covering them.
Eh, you know what? We'll see what we see.
Let's get a few candids.
Dad, can I get one of your head on the belly?
Oh, "Dad." I just got emotional.
Having my baby
I'm a woman in love
And I love what's goin' through me
Having my baby Having my baby
It's another way of sayin' how much I love you
I love you
Having my baby Having my baby
Okay, now people really love that viral video
of a monkey forcing that sex act on a frog at the zoo.
So maybe we can find another frog for something like that.
- You mean like that frog? - Who?
That frog in the miniskirt, putting a quarter in the jukebox.
Shot through the heart And you're to blame
You give love a bad name Bad name
I play my part
Bingo.
You give love a bad name Bad name
You give love
I'm concerned that frog is in more trouble than she realizes.
I'm having such a craving for burgers.
It's like my body is just craving red meat.
And mint chip ice cream. But only mint chip.
Any other ice cream makes me want to puke.
Isn't that weird?
Yes, Stewie, that's the one weird thing in all this.
What are you looking at? Go push your buttons.
My husband will kick your ass.
Stop saying I'm your husband.
Brian, I need you to take me to the hospital.
- Why? - My water just broke.
- Oh, my God! - It's okay. Don't panic.
Call the doula. Brian, you've got to call the doula!
Doula? I don't even know what that is!
It's a divorced woman who knows about lady parts and cheers you on.
Let's go!
You're gonna have to drive a little faster!
I'm already going over the speed limit.
Too late! Pull over! It's starting to come out!
- Of where? - I'm not sure exactly.
Brian, I'm going to need you to deliver the baby.
Uh, uh, okay, can you wait a second while I put a towel down?
I don't want anything to get on the seats.
Oh, no, of course.
Our first priority should be to keep the vinyl clean.
Oh, God. Oh, God, it's coming!
Can you see the head?
I don't know where to look!
Well, maybe you should look at the part of me where there's a baby coming out!
How did Murphy Brown make this look so easy?
Careful, don't get anything on the...
Seats.
Oh, God, I think another one's coming!
I don't see it!
I think it's coming out of my mouth!
There's more! And they're coming out of everywhere!
Ah, kill me! This hurts too much!
Holy shit! What is happening?
I don't know! Brian, save the placenta.
Do you even have a placenta?
Well, whatever comes out, save it. I want to eat it.
Oh, God! They're crawling all over me!
How many are there now?
Four, five, six, seven.
Mazel tov!
I just put Jack and Rose down for their nap.
And I'm trying to keep the more attractive ones in this area.
This is a nightmare.
Oh, I caught two of them trying to eat each other,
so that's something we need to watch out for.
Look, Bri, that one looks just like you.
Huh. Well, you know what? I guess he does.
You know, I was actually thinking,
this could be a chance for you to finally make things right.
What? What do you mean?
Well, you do have a son that you were never there for.
This is your opportunity to do things differently.
Wow. Maybe you're right.
I suppose I could give it a try.
There you go. Oh, Dick really likes you.
- I like Dick. - You like dick!
His name's not Dick, you idiot. It's Finn.
All right, let's check our YouTube channel and see how we're doing.
Boy, they just went right after Cleveland, didn't they?
Geez, that word looks even harsher when it's in all caps.
Wow, people really seem to hate everything we put on here.
That sucks.
And I worked really hard on taking a picture of myself every day for a year
and then setting the photos to an emotional song.
Look.
Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City
I'm a thousand miles away
But, girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes, you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Yeah, so we're, uh, thinking about selling the house.
Hey, stop squirming in there.
This one's bones all feel loose.
And I think that one is blind.
We'll have to get him little sunglasses.
Great, because dog-head-human-ears over here doesn't react to anything I say.
Hey! Hey, you!
Okay, this one is deaf.
We are going to be spending a fortune on schools.
- How are we gonna pay for that? - Well, you tell me.
You're the one who insisted I be a stay-at-home mom.
- I don't even have a job. - Well, you better get one.
And not writing. A real job.
Why are you being such a jerk?
I don't know. I'm sorry. I just...
I just feel like once I get them on a schedule, everything will be fine.
I can't believe we couldn't come up with a viral video.
We should've just gotten Jimmy Fallon to do any lame thing.
Coming up, a white waiter at a Chinese restaurant?
We'll get you the facts on this bizarre story,
But first, this week's viral video,
Fat Kid Hustles Through Crosswalk.
Here it is.
Here's little Chubbopulling up the rear,
Oh, he's got to get moving now,
That's right, don't let your chocolate levels get too low,
I can't believe Chris gets four million hits just crossing the street.
I guess we were trying too hard.
Hey, I went by your house the other day. Is your baby pregnant?
I don't know. Lois is in charge of the kids.
Stewie, this is awful.
I don't know why anyone would want to be a parent,
especially to four children.
Four? I thought we were down to five.
Yeah, the deaf one didn't hear Joe's lawnmower.
Oh, that's really upsetting.
I can't take this anymore, Stewie. I'm sorry. I got to get out of here.
What? Where are you going?
Stop doing that!
I need a break, all right? I just got to get away for a couple weeks.
A couple weeks?
You're not leaving me alone with these things.
The whole point of this was for us to spend more time together.
What are you talking about? The whole point of what?
Well, you've been so distant lately.
I thought if we had a baby it would bring us closer together.
What?
I was only distant because you've been so moody lately.
I thought you needed more space. I always want to hang out with you.
Well, I was only moody because you were so distant!
I always want to hang out with you, too!
Oh, my God.
- So, we didn't have to do any of this. - I guess not.
- How attached to them are you? - Not at all.
Yeah, me either.
- This is for the best. - Yeah, I mean, I'm sure they'll be adopted.
Oh, God, yeah.
I'm still keeping all the gifts from the baby shower.
You had a baby shower?
Oh!
Now, this makes it real!
Oh, my goodness.
That's enough cake for you, Mary Beth.